Christians Unite in Defense of Pastor Christian T. Roll
The Most Loving, Honest People in The World Defend their Leader
Good morning, Christians! Bet you didn’t expect to see me here today, but here I am! Jesus allowed us to triumph over the liberal, weaponized justice system that attempted to railroad me with charges to keep me from speaking the truth! Well, the truth prevailed because of all of you loving Christians who rallied and supported your pastor in his time of need.
Jesus is smiling proudly on us all!
What makes our victory so much more joyful is the fact that we overcame the lies the Democrats tried to foist upon our God. Not only did they charge me with sex trafficking, they tried to use my position as a man of God against me, thereby smearing our Lord.
It all started when I decided to take friendly drive up to Canada and stopped at a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch. Perhaps I am to blame for deciding to drive the Rewards From Jesus car since it is intended to call young girls to the Word of Christ. Little did I know that simple stop to eat lunch would turn into an excuse for the liberal fascists to jail me for life!
As I headed back to my car, two young girls were studying the vehicle — just as God intended them to be doing! As a man of God, I simply could not ignore their curiosity in the Lord and as the Good Book requires me, I began discussing their salvation, trying to lead them to Christ. That’s right! Taking time from my much needed day off, I performed my Christian duty to lead others to the Lord!
Little did I know Satan had other plans!
You see, this is why girls need to be led by men because of their propensity for lying and whoring. When pulled over in Canada and interrogated by a police officer, to whom I explained my efforts to save these wayward girls, they began crying from the backseat that they wanted their moms and I wouldn’t let them go. I was dragged back to the border where the FBI was waiting and took me away to become another victim of the weaponized Justice Department that seeks to destroy Christianity.
I languished in prison surrounded by migrant criminals, rats, and the even worse vermin of the homosexers! With the Lord watching over me and my heart filled with Jesus, I survived that day in hell!
Things seemed to only get worse in court when the prosecutor told the feebleminded girls’ story causing the jury to eye me with hate, but I had Jesus on my lips and my prayers were soon answered. Suddenly, the door burst open and God’s other son, you know who, entered the court.
The great Trump said,
There has been a mistake. Pastor Christian T. Roll is a man of great character, like myself. Would a man of God take time out of his busy schedule of preaching or campaigning to perform good deeds?
I don’t think so!
Christians hear me now! When great men, like ourselves, commit to Jesus, we’re in it for the long haul. We never stop giving and helping, like my new Mammo-Van the Pastor and I work every free chance we get. All to protect women from breast cancer. Would a pervert go out and work tirelessly to stop the spread of breast cancer all on his own dime and church donations? Of course not.
The miracle of my saving didn’t stop when Trump finished speaking. No, Jesus had big plans for revealing the truth that day in court. Suddenly, the door burst open again, and this time the great Christian, Matt Gaetz, entered the hall of justice and spoke,
You’re Honor, as a man who knows what it is like to be wrongly accused by little girls trying to get attention, I can tell you that this Pastor is innocent. Just recently, I was accused of sex trafficking by the same weaponized Justice Department when in fact, I was the hero of the situation. I was at a party when teens suddenly began growing in numbers — and you know what happens when teens group together, especially girls, right?
Drug fueled sex parties!
Thankfully, the Pastor and I were there to stop the insanity and gain control of the situation but this did not stop the feebleminded young girls from wanting to fulfill their desire to become sluts, and of course, one of them accused me of some sinful behavior. Luckily, I had the Pastor there to vouch for my conduct, and now I’m telling you — this man is incapable of committing the crime of which he is accused. Who are you going to believe: a man of God, or two twelve year old girls prone to becoming whores?
Just when I thought the miracle ended with Matt Gaetz testimony, the door burst open again, and in walked another herald of God’s justice. Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson declared,
This is a lynching if I ever seen one. This Pastor is a man of God more than that “Martin Lucifer King” and a true hero to the people. Your Honor, you can’t hold this man responsible for the lies of little girls. Clearly, Satan has taken control of them. Just recently I was falsely accused of making sinful comments on porn sites, but that is only half of the so called news. The truth is that Pastor Christian T. Roll and I worked together to save souls addicted to porn. Did I make nasty comments? Did I say terrible things on Pornhub?
Well, of course I did!
Me and the Pastor was fighting the evil of porn addiction and saving people by planting comments to help them see the light of God. Sometimes, you got to get down in the dirt and filth and be that black Nazi porn lover because that is the only way you can save those heathens trapped in that hell. I rest this whole sham of a case.
Yes, Christians, I was amazed by the grace of God just like you are now. When Lieutenant Governor Robinson finished his speech the judge turned to the prosecutor and said, “I am throwing this case out. Clearly, you have the wrong man.”
Praise the Lord, Christians! You see, God works in mysterious ways. By placing the objective Judge Aileen M. Cannon in my path so she could hear all those great Christians who spoke on my behalf, I was set free. God never abandons us, Christians. We just need to have faith, pray, and wait for the miracles to happen. Now go in peace and have a great week, knowing God is protecting you.