CREEP

The Epic Short Story Volume 7.

Prologue

Stephen and I eagerly anticipated Joe Rogaine’s party, knowing many hot, cool people, devil weed, and good booze awaited. Little did we know, a new orientation to Heaven program started by Jesus would saddle us with a CREEP and devolve the party into disaster.

Chapter 1. CREEP

Stephen and I entered God’s Palace and waited near the line of people attended by Angels until an Archangel pointed a small, plump man towards us. The troll-like man giggled loudly and hobbled towards us on stumpy, fat legs. “Oooooh! Hello! I am Carlos Reginald Enrique Emilio Patterson, but my friends call me CREEP. Oooooh! I am so happy to be here. There are so many pretty girls and boys here in Heaven. What does everyone do for fun? Oooooh! Did you see the angels? They’re pretty.”

I nodded and motioned my thumb to the door. “Look, you got all of eternity to have fun. First, we need to take you to your new home and make sure you understand the rules. Do you have your orientation pamphlet?”

“Oooooh! I do have it. I read it several times while I waited because I am an extremely intelligent person. When growing up, my teachers told me, ‘CREEP, you are very smart.’ I don’t know why? They all just loved me. Oooooh!”

Stephen frowned. “Yeah, that’s great, man, but you’re cutting in on my gloryholing. Let’s move this show along because I have places to be.”

“Oooooh! I want to go to the gloryhole! That sounds like fun. When I was a young man in my twenties, I spent a lot of time at titty bars. The girls all loved me. I don’t know why? I would go to the titty bar, and the girl’s all gathered around. They would rub my buddha belly and say things like, ‘CREEP, you are wonderful!’ When I put dollars in their g-strings, I imagined their pussies tasted like candy. Oooooh! They all just laughed when I told them.”

CREEP smiled as Stephen scowled and started walking. “Let’s get you to your house, CREEP.” Stephen shifted me a glance as CREEP jabbered like a crackhead while we walked.

“Oooooh! These are nice homes. I used to have a nice home. I worked for a long time as a cable installer. I was the greatest cable installer in the world. I could walk into a thirty-story building, and in less than ten seconds, tell them exactly how many feet of cable they needed and how many outlets. All the customers just loved me. They would say things like, ‘CREEP, you do such a great job, and we love you.’ I had big-name customers like Bill Gates and Elon Musk who called me to say, ‘CREEP, I need you to run some cable TV in my Lamborghini or on my yacht.’ I would laugh, ‘I can do it, but it will cost you.’ They would say, ‘Money is of no consequence.’ So skilled at running cable, I once installed HBO in a Bentley in an hour. Everyone stared in awe and applauded. ‘CREEP, we just love you!’”

Stephen stopped walking in front of CREEP’s house and shook his head in frustration. “Dude, this is your house. Maybe you should take some time, get settled in, and call us tomorrow.”

CREEP bounced up and down on his stubby legs exclaiming, “Oooooh! No! I want to go with you guys to the gloryhole. The last fifteen years, I had erectile dysfunction and couldn’t enjoy gloryholes, but luckily, many pretty girls liked to talk to me, and when I told them about my limp penis, they would say, ‘CREEP, you’re so sweet. If your penis worked, we would be with you because we love you.’ Now that I’m healthy, I want to try the gloryhole, and maybe I will meet som-”

Stephen threw his hands in the air. “All right already! Look, man, you’re not going to be talking like that the whole time, are you?”

CREEP stared blankly. “Like what?”

 Stephen folded his arms. “CREEP, you’re in Heaven now. There is no one to impress, and no one cares how cool you are because we’re all stuck here together in eternal bliss. If you want your dick sucked, you go to the gloryhole. If you want to fuck someone, be nice and ask politely. You don’t have to be a bullshitter.”

CREEP’s smile disappeared. “You should be careful how you talk to me. I was a Tae Kwon Do master. One time, I went to a bar, and a hundred men twice my height threatened me, so I told them, ‘You do not wish to fight me. I am a Tae Kwon Do champion. I’m a tenth-degree blackbelt.’ They didn’t listen, and you know what happened?”

We stared incredulously.

“I broke arms and legs until the police came and tried to arrest me. The waitresses all loved me and told the police, ‘CREEP, didn’t start the fight, it was all of them.’ You know what?”

We stared even more incredulously.

“The police didn’t believe the girls and argued that one hundred men could not start a fight with one man and lose, but I told them I had to do what I had to do for I am a warrior. They knew the truth when I broke a table in half using only one finger, and they all cried, ‘Oooooh! CREEP, you are a warrior!’” CREEP stared defiantly. “Now, do you know why I have told you this story?”

Flailing in frustration, Stephen screamed, “Motherfucker! I was a fucking physicist and cosmologist! Of course I know why you told me the story; do you honestly believe you’re teaching me some fucking moral or conveying wisdom? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

CREEP closed his eyes, appearing deep in thought. “I have told you this story so you know who I am and why you should not disrespect me. I don’t wish to hurt you, but if I must, I will unleash the warrior spirit within me.”

Stephen’s face reddened with fury. “I just said I understood the story! Are you-”

I grabbed Stephen’s arm. “Whoa, dude! Cool down, man. Don’t let this guy get to you.” I pulled Stephen to the side. “Let’s ditch this dude at the gloryhole and go to Joe’s party. This weird fucker will be so happy getting his dick sucked he won’t notice we left.”

Stephen breathed deep and adjusted his glasses. “Yeah, that’s cool. Man, there is just something about that guy that irks the shit out me.”

Chapter 2. Let Me Pour You a Cosby

We arrived at the gloryhole, and CREEP found a spot and stood amongst the gatherers who shot him annoyed glances as he continued talking, “Oooooh! This is so wonderful. It has been many years since I partook in the gloryhole. I used to go to one and place my dick in the hole, and all the girls and boys on the other side fought over me. They all just loved me! I could hear them on the other side of the wall, ‘I want CREEP first because I love him!’ I would call through the hole, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, don’t fight; there is plenty of CREEP to go around.’ They all laughed because they loved me.”

Soon, CREEP stood alone at the gloryhole, but kept talking as Stephen tapped my shoulder and motioned his head for us to leave. We crept away quietly, and when out of earshot, Stephen said, “Dude, what the fuck? That motherfucker is the creepiest guy I ever met.”

“I know, Stephen. He makes my skin crawl. Let’s get ready for Joe’s party and try to forget about him for tonight.”

He nodded. “Yeah, there’s going to be lots of cool people there. I can’t wait.”

We went to our homes and readied ourselves for the party, then met later at Joe’s front door. Laughter and music came from the house as I knocked. “This is going to be great. Hey, let’s ask Joe to do that Roseanne Barr as a Yeti impersonation.”

Stephen said, “Yeah, that shit is funny.”

Inside Joe’s house, movies stars mixed with athletes as a band played in the family room while Gilda Radner told jokes with Kimbo Slice in the kitchen. Stephen smiled. “Only in Heaven would you see a crowd like this mingling. Let’s get a drink and fuck with Einstein; some of his theories proved wrong recently, so you know he will be good to screw with.”

We made our way to the bar but stopped in horror, seeing CREEP pouring beers and making drinks. Stephen’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck? How the hell did he get in here?”

We approached the bar, and CREEP’s face widened in amusement. “Oooooh! My friends! I hoped to see you. After the gloryhole, I found myself walking around looking for something to do and returned to God’s Palace. God loves me. I talked to the Head Angel, who told me I needed a job to help adjust to Heaven. Having experience as a bartender, the catering company hired me, and here I am. Oooooh! Isn’t this great? I finally get to put my professional bartending talents to use. I bet you didn’t know it, but I am a professionally trained bartender. I attended the Bill Cosby School of Bartending, where I learned to make the world-famous Cosby. Oooooh! I can make any drink you desire…”

As CREEP blathered, a gaggle of young ladies approached the bar to order drinks, and while they debated their drink choices, CREEP shifted his smiling, round face to them. “Oooooh! You ladies must be actresses. You know I am also a talent manager. I graduated from the Harvey Weinstein School of Talent Management, and I was the top student in my class. I became the greatest talent manager on earth, and all the girls under me made it big. They all loved me. They would say, ‘CREEP, you are the greatest manager in the world, and we love you.’ You ladies need quality representation; here, take my card and come by my house tomorrow evening. You will need to audition and perform some talent exercises. Don’t worry; it won’t be that hard. Oooooh! When we're done, you will have great acting careers, and you will say, ‘CREEP, we love you.’”

The girls backed away as CREEP continued talking to other women approaching the bar, “Oooooh! Hello. You are fine young ladies. You would be great in movies. Have you thought about acting? I am a talent manager; here is my card. Come by my house on Friday evening, and I will try you out. Oooooh! Don’t worry; you will do fine. I will make you feel very comfortable. I always do. The girls I represented on Earth would always say, ‘CREEP, you make us feel comfortable, and we love you.’ I don’t know why? I just have this effect on women. When they come to my home, I treat them with nothing but respect by mixing them a Cosby to help them relax and prepare for trying different parts. If I learned one thing managing talent, young actresses need to relax to take on big new parts.

I exclaimed, “Jesus Christ! How did this guy get into Heaven? He is the creepiest bastard I’ve ever met.”

Stephen shook his head. “I don’t know, but we need to do something. Keep an eye on him, and I’ll get Joe. You know Joe, he’ll deal with that motherfucker.”

Stephen went to get Joe while I watched CREEP talk to a young man. “Oooooh! Of course, I can help you, young man. You need professional advice and training in your acting career. Not only am I a talent manager, but I also attended the Spacey School of Acting. I am well versed in the different forms of acting and what it takes to break into the industry. You should come to my house on Saturday night and let me help you with your acting. I am not saying it will be easy because you will need to act in many different scenarios. How comfortable are you with nude scenes? This is very important because someday you may be asked to do a love-making scene with a man. Don’t worry; I will help you with this challenge. When done, you will say, ‘CREEP, I love you.’”

Finally, Stephen and Joe returned.

Chapter 3. The Fall of Joe

Joe stepped in front of the bar as Stephen appeared next to me, saying confidently, “Joe will fix this like he did that Carlos dude. It’s a good thing guys like Joe are around who aren’t afraid to stand up to these motherfuckers.”

Joe stepped forward and pointed his tattooed arm at CREEP. “Hey! What the fuck are you doing?”

CREEP turned his grinning pie face to Joe. “Oooooh! Hello! I am fixing fabulous drinks for all the pretty actresses and young actors. You must be Joe. You hold a wonderful party, but you seem a little stressed. Let me make you my famous drink, the Andrew Luster. It’s a tasty drink that makes you feel warm and relaxed. You won’t remember why you stressed in the first place.”

Joe screamed, “Shut the fuck up, creep! You are going down.”

In a swift motion, Joe tore off his clothes, revealing his MMA shorts, and flexed his tattooed muscles as he squared off, preparing to destroy CREEP. The crowd cheered as everyone EarthTubed the pending fight, but suddenly, men in suits stepped in between CREEP and Joe. Johnnie Cochran, Thurgood Marshall, William Howard Taft, and Robert Kardashian held their briefcases as Cochran produced legal warrants and pointed at Joe. “There will be no fighting; this is a legal matter now. You are accused of defamation of character, verbal assault, menacing, and hostile work environment. If you act in a threatening way, you got to pay!”

Four Archangels appeared, took Joe into custody, and flew away as a mortified crowd watched CREEP step from behind the bar, laughing maniacally, “Oooooh! I don’t know why Joe had to be so aggressive. Everyone loves me! But for those who don’t love me, you should know that my father, Archangel Michael, does love me. He taught me not to go anywhere without an attorney dream team. Oooooh!” CREEP walked towards the door, placing his arm around a young lady. “Now, let’s talk about your career…”

I turned to Stephen and pointed to CREEP. “What the fuck just happened?”

Stephen’s face fell in dismay. “I didn’t think it could happen in Heaven, but you just witnessed nepotism and corruption at its worst.”

“What will we do, Stephen?”

“Joe needs help. Let’s go see God.”

“Good thinking, Stephen.” I followed him out the door and down the street to God’s palace. As we approached the palace, Stephen said, “God will take care of this shit. You just wait. When God finds out what these corrupt motherfuckers are doing in Heaven, he’ll send them all to Shit World or someplace worse.”

We stopped at the palace’s front door and stared at a sign, “Due to renovations, the Lord’s Court will be closed for the next twenty years. God and Jesus will be vacationing and unavailable. Please see the Archangels for emergencies. Thank you.”

I exclaimed, “What the hell! When God takes a vacation, he does not fuck around. What are we going to do? We can’t wait twenty years for God to get back.”

The sound of someone running turned us to find Satan stopping to pant, “Hey guys, Joe is in big trouble. Committing violence and threatening people in Heaven is serious shit. He will appear before the Archangel Michael tomorrow. If found guilty, he might get sent to Murder World or someplace worse.”

I yelled, “That’s not fair! The Archangel Michael is biased. That fucking creep tried to take advantage of everyone, and Joe just tried to stop him. While Joe is locked up, CREEP is out here doing God knows what to people.”

Satan stammered, “It’s a tough case because no victims are coming forward. Everyone’s scared of Michael. Joe needs to show he defended himself or someone else to get out of this jam.”

Satan ran off as I turned to Stephen. “If nobody in Heaven will come forward, Joe is screwed because all CREEP’s victims are on Earth. What will we do, Stephen?”

Stephen began walking. “We’re going to do the only thing we can. We’re going to Earth.”

Epilogue

Will Stephen and I return to earth and find CREEP’s victims? Will we persuade them to return to Heaven to help stop CREEP and save Joe? Of course, but you’ll find out how in the next volume because I am tired of writing.

To be continued.