EarthTube & the Immaculate Whore
The Epic Short Story Volume 3.
Prologue
Heaven has the best of everything, including entertainment. We have EarthTube, which likens to cable television on steroids, and not long ago, made watching anything possible such as movies, tv shows, and even the happenings of people in Heaven and on earth. Say you wanted to watch your widow bang the pool boy; you just typed her name into EarthTube. You could watch anyone, anywhere, at any time, and this provided an endless supply of entertainment, but even if you can't find something on EarthTube, you could use iTunes Blessed. iTunes Blessed offers more professional videos and music which looks better on a retinal screen: a nice feature since only Macs and Apple devices exist in Heaven. Gamers get shafted, but that’s what happened when that asshole Steve Jobs arrived and turned the joint into a genius bar at the Mac store. Don’t get me wrong. Macs have good graphics, easy to use, but no fucking gaming. That's alright because Bill Gates will be here soon, and you know that motherfucker is bringing an Xbox.
At any rate, entertainment was great until some unexpected problems arose from the seemingly benign EarthTube. Who would have imagined a day of EarthTube voyeurism could cause so much trouble?
Chapter 1. Immaculate Whore
Sitting at home EarthTubing my favorite porn star Tia Ling going about her life at home might seem creepy to those living on earth, but in Heaven, watching anyone, at any time, and anywhere was normal. More than normal, EarthTube’s unrestricted access provided many cool features like deciding whether a player went out of bounds during a big play, learning how many times Monica blew the president in the oval office, or answering whether Jennifer and Brad started screwing again. Despite these benefits, EarthTube had some drawbacks, like empowering nosy freaks like Jerry Garcia to record me masturbating while I used EarthTube to watch the Holy Mother dress. He posted a video of my voyeurism, which made life feel like waiting for my turn before the firing squad, especially since God hates me.
An unspoken rule prohibited dating, much less sex with the Holy Mother. Although single, her relationship with God made the situation awkward, like desiring to tap your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. Fear of the Almighty left Mary a virgin, which I thought a load of crap since he never even banged her except one time when he knocked her up ‘from on high’ (however that works) and never went back for more.
The miracle of Jesus resulted from that relation — miracle my ass! What a douche! Never have I seen such a holier than thou, self-righteous prick.
“You know I’m the son of God, right?”
“Do you really think that is God’s Will for you to be doing that?”
“Is that really a Heavenly behavior?”
“Maybe you should ask yourself, ‘Would I do that?’” Pointing at himself.
Fuck him. Jesus hanging around likens to working with the boss’s kid. You can’t fire him, you need to watch everything you say, and he doesn’t do shit. The worst part is you can’t bang his mom because you just know he’s going to say something awkward afterward, “I hope you plan on treating my mom nice.” What do you say to the guy after playing cornhole with his mom?
This holy family nonsense, in my opinion, caused the problem that forever changed EarthTube, starting with Mary’s knock at my door, to which I answered in surprise, “Oh, hi. Can I help you?”
She adjusted her veil. “I was hoping to have a conversation with you.”
Frustration rode my nerves with the assumption she likely wanted to discuss the masturbating and something to do with her feelings, causing a reluctant response, “Come on in.”
Mary entered, and I motioned to the sofa, where she sat. “I want to talk to you about the incident on EarthTube.”
I sat across from her in the easy chair and sighed, “Okay.”
She placed her hands in her lap. “I was rather shocked to see you masturbating to me. It took me by surprise because no one ever does that with me. I did some EarthTubing of my own and saw you at the gloryhole. You spend an enormous amount of time there. Curiosity got the best of me, and I watched you last night pleasuring yourself to Tia Ling taking a shower. At first, I was a bit shocked by what I saw, but curiosity grew and feelings not felt in a very long time surfaced. As you know, I’ve never been with a man. So, I thought maybe you might teach me if you are willing.”
Wisdom flashed: if I ended the situation now, everyone could watch EarthTube and see she came on to me, and I did the right thing. So, I stood, dropped my pants, and pointed. “The first thing you need to learn is this dick will not suck itself.”
Chapter 2. Saint Vicente
If Mary is a virgin, then R. Kelly is a priest. Never had I known such sex or the things her mouth uttered, “I have never had a man pee on me. Do you think that’s something you might be interested in doing?”
“My bum is virgin also; maybe you should take care of that as well.”
“Tell me about rimming…let’s see what that is like.”
“Do you have any friends who might want to come over and help teach me?”
After she left, I laid on my couch in exhaustion with my manhood worn like an old shoe. “That was awesome bungholery.” I shook my head and stood, thinking about when and where we might meet again. I flipped on EarthTube and shuddered at the sight of Garcia playing guitar and singing with a clip of Mary and me playing in the background.
♬Saint Vicente with a ho; in and out of her hole he goes♬
♬Virgin Mother getting totally whored!♬
♬Vicente sure is in trouble with the Lord♬
“Goddammit, Garcia! You bastard!” I raced to the bedroom and dressed, thinking I needed to lay low, maybe get out of town for a while. For sure, I needed to go someplace without EarthTube access, but where?
Leaving the house began a short walk to the smartest guy I knew, Stephen Hawking, who would for sure have the answer. Finding him at his usual spot at the gloryhole, I tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey man, I need your help.”
Stephen looked over his shoulder and laughed, “Dude, you are screwed! I saw you on Garcia’s channel. Hey, was she any good?”
“Dammit, Stephen! I need help. Is there someplace I can go where EarthTube can’t see me? I need to let things cool down.”
Stephen’s eyes rolled in his head as his glasses fogged up, grunting, “Goddam, that feels good! After being in that chair for so long with nothing to do but physics, this is Heaven.”
“Stephen, help me.”
“Okay, okay, sorry. I’m done; let’s walk.”
We left the gloryhole and walked towards his home as he explained, “I thought about this considerably. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but there are no Mormons here, and we can only see the Mormons on earth via EarthTube.”
He looked at me as if this meant something, and I replied, “What are you saying?”
“Think about it; if the dead Mormons are not here, and we can’t see them, then they must be someplace where there’s no EarthTube. I figured this out when I tried to EarthTube God taking a crap and couldn’t see him in the bathroom. EarthTube doesn't reach certain places, such as God’s bathroom, the throne room, and behind the gloryhole.”
I bounced up and down. “Oh, that makes sense. So how does this help me?”
Stephen moved his hands excitedly. “Well, lucky for you, I figured it out. The Mormons believe there are other worlds, and I think when they die, they go to one of these worlds. Now, when I tried to peep God taking a crap, it occurred to me the shit must go somewhere. When I tried to EarthTube where the shit from Heaven dumps, I couldn’t find it.
I nodded. “Oh, I get it, so the shit from Heaven must get dumped on a different world. Just like the Mormons when they die.”
“That is right, so all you have to do is go down God’s toilet, and you will dump out on another world with no EarthTube.”
“Thanks, man.” I started walking towards God’s palace but stopped and looked back. “You really tried to watch God take a shit?”
Stephen shrugged. “What? You’re not just a little curious? You know it has to be phenomenal.”
I nodded, walking away, and soon arrived at the palace, where I slipped past God sitting in the throne room talking to people. Finding his bathroom, I climbed the massive toilet and dove from the rim into the cool water. Thankfully God didn’t leave a floater, allowing easy swimming to the bottom and past the trap. Sliding down the pipe increased in speed until blasting out an opening which landed me on a steaming crap pile the size of a mountain. I checked my phone and found no service. “Excellent. No service. No EarthTube.”
Chapter 3. Shit World
Having left Heaven reverted me to human form, and sickness struck as the smell overwhelmed from the defecation, urine puddles, semi-digested food, and tampons stretching across the entire planet. Walking through the piles revealed nothing but more piles with no means to return to Heaven.
Days passed in growing hunger, thirst, and longing for cellular service or even Garcia to find me with EarthTube. Soon the thirst and hunger took me to my knees as thoughts of eating a turd and drinking the brown water forced my cry, “Help me, Lord, please. Don’t make me drink the brown water and eat turds. I beg forgiveness. I am sorry, God.”
The clouds parted, and God’s voice bellowed from the Heavens, “Your lesson is complete.”
“Thank you, Lord. Thank you.”
After returning to Heaven, EarthTube removed the video of Mary and me, and censorship sucked because people didn’t believe me when I told them about the Holy Mother. Heaven’s new arrivals assumed Mary immaculate and virgin, which was complete bullshit, but an upside existed with the new policies that barred watching people in homes and most buildings. Garcia no longer harassed me because posting personal information violated EarthTube’s terms of use, bringing much relief since nothing felt worse than trillions of people witnessing you hold your penis or someone else’s. EarthTube became less entertaining for sure but increased hope that Gates would arrive soon with an Xbox.
Epilogue
God teaches the great lesson to not shit where you eat, but if you do, make sure you do it where no one can see and post on EarthTube.
The End