Fat, Ugly, Good Listener
The Ugly’s Truth Chapter 2: Filthy Beauty
Many years ago, reading newspaper personals revealed an ad, and though the title remains vivid, the exact blurb escapes memory, which went something to this effect,
Fat, ugly, but I am a good listener and very loyal. If you’re looking for good company, I am your person.
Perusing stopped to ponder the ad’s authenticity, launching laughter for believing the personal a joke, but with more consideration, the person’s willingness to pay for the ad dismissed this assumption. Surely, someone posting an ad so self-deprecating must be desperate? Armchair psychology dictated the person, if not desperate, must direly need attention or help, right? What else explains this blatant invitation to someone not only lacking physical attractiveness but whose judgment would say, “Perfect. You sound great!”
What a loser! How stupid! Why would anyone place that ad? Bewilderment brought laughter as the years of beauty’s conquest continued advancing to the answer.
Yes! I am going to give you the answers to finding love and friendship.
I once believed marriage and family were compulsory, even desired. As time progressed to the age of thirty-eight, love’s destination escaped capture in the reality of a kid, an ex-wife (not the mother), and dating a girl eighteen years younger. What happened? How did things go so wrong? Nothing went wrong. I lived the wrong life and did not realize the misdirected effort until failure to achieve my so-called dating and marriage vision.
Sadly, not a quick realization, much dating, money, emotional catastrophes, and time transpired to learn my lack of good boyfriend, husband, and father qualities. This realization manifested over time, jumping from one relationship to the next, struggling to find the “right” person for me. The best and last realization, wrought from failure, dispelled the good boyfriend or husband belief.
Though I continued performing love’s motions, my inner voice told me I had no hope after dating Karin. Karin, a nice churchgoing girl, wanted kids and married, leading me to believe she was the right person. Time progressed, as did the relationship’s tiresomeness, especially of Karin.
No matter how much effort went into that relationship, our differences appeared insurmountable. On Friday nights, she wanted to sit at home and watch TV while I desired entertainment. She wanted to go to church on Sundays, and I wanted nothing to do with that. After a couple of years, I needed to get out of this relationship before losing my mind.
While Karin appeared a quality candidate for wife, this was only true if she dated the right guy. I had no business in this relationship, having a kid already and not wanting another, despite saying I did. I also despised household chores, honey-do lists, and all the things necessary for a successful relationship:
Happy wife, happy life,
Marriage is each for the other and together against the world.
No relationship is all sunshine.
A good marriage is something you make.
I would fill a book listing them all.
Wisdom, common sense, colloquial thinking, call it what you will, that knowledge gained from our culture and peer relations provides ready-made answers for everything. Common wisdom blankets our existence and socialization, barring us from achieving quality relationships. We hear all the time, “the heart wants what the heart wants,” or “boys will be boys.” Haphazard assumptions and contradictory beliefs form and guide relationships with the wisdom of “birds of a feather flock together” while “opposites attract.”
The insanity of cliché thinking; that is the problem, can’t you see!
Adages define relationships and people. Affirmations dictate unrealistic ideals, like “love conquers all” or “honesty is key to a successful marriage.” We see the problem now that all this common wisdom is not ours. We conjure none of these bits of wisdom yet apply them thoughtless of circumstance or context. Easy answers provide short-term solutions with no depth, forming a nonsensical goulash of relationship knowledge doomed to sabotage relationships.
Trite wisdom worsens us in other ways by creating and reinforcing erroneous beliefs and stereotypes; “all women are emotional” or “men are just big boys.” We define not just our potential love but ourselves as well. Our assumptions license us and others to bad behavior. When a woman says, “Men are lazy,” she permits this behavior in expectation. “Women are emotional!” So too, the man authorizes behavior in expectation.
We see the problem now!
Why should a man endure her irrational behavior? Why are you putting up with that man’s juvenile behavior?
Because in lies, we love!
Assumptions, false generalizations, and stereotypes cannot erase the dissatisfaction of trying to accept something you don’t desire. Neither can you erase the inner desire nor see the want in the lies you live. So we trudge in the lies with the seemingly good partner and work the justifications for their behavior, sometimes the thing we hate most. We trap ourselves:
Stay in an abusive relationship because men have bad tempers.
Stay with someone who cheats because all men/women cheat.
Stay with a drug addict because everyone has problems.
Stay with someone irresponsible because everybody makes mistakes.
Stay with someone you fight with constantly because opposites attract.
The list goes on and on, revealing the pervasive, false wisdom imprisoning us, but there is an answer. Overcoming the lies dictates analyzing your relationship beliefs. A proactive, critical approach is needed to recognize the common wisdom, cease thinking in adages that fabulize the relationship, and learn to wield the truth.
The real love narrative intrinsically ties with ruthless inward honesty to overcome the adages reinforcing the fantasy. The love narrative, that ideal relationship, disappears in the fiction and conflicting beliefs: while reality presents the true love story filled with hope, aspirations, good intentions, and above all, caring for the one who matches us exactly. We fully realize ourselves and,
No more will we seek love in the wrong person.
No more will we jump from partner to partner, making the same mistakes again and again.
No more will we feel hopelessness when looking upon our partners we desperately tried to believe to be the ones.
We will know and speak what once was mythology and actualize love’s beauty in the pureness of truth formed in full awareness of ourselves. Never will we wonder again or risk becoming the person who titles their personal,