How to Keep a Christian Man Happy
The Church of the Redeemed Whore Welcomes, Soon To Be First Lady AGAIN, Melania Trump
Good morning, Christians! What a wonderful Sunday morning filled with joy and love as only Jesus can provide. There’s been a lot of tension surrounding the coming election, and this morning I wanted to bring you a bit of happiness, unlike the vermin called liberals who desire only to make us Christians feel bad.
Yes, we Christians know love like no other people because we have Jesus in our hearts and speak the truth. Liberals accuse us of being hypocrites and liars, but we Christians must stand firm in our truth no matter how contradictory or strange it sounds to the unbelievers. This is why Kamala Harris and Tim Walz desire to destroy families by instilling women with feminism, so they will end up murdering their babies or leaving their God-given Christian men!
What could be worse than a divorced woman!
Nothing. That is why I brought in a special guest, who is not just a Christian but a happily married Christian woman, to give you ladies the advice needed to keep your Christian man happy. Please welcome, First Lady Melania Trump!
As Christian women, we often struggle to find a good man, so it is important that we keep those good men happy when we do discover and marry them. You might think as a former First Lady, I had the sweet life with no troubles, but truly, had it not been for my experience as a supermodel, entrepreneur, and of course Jesus, I would likely have been a sad case like many of you: divorced, overweight, and poor. Well, maybe just poor, but that is bad enough.
I was able to save my marriage and be happy be reading the Bible and learning how men think and feel. On some page somewhere in the good book, there is some advice that says something like, “A happy man gets a woman a pearl when he gets the clam.”
Something like that, but the point is Christians, it’s the woman’s duty to make men happy, and it is the duty of men to take care of the women.
Does your man fulfilling his needs with someone else make you feel bad? Sure, even if it is your fault for not keeping him happy. Like Jesus says, “No one is perfect enough to throw stones — not even a beautiful supermodel First Lady.”
So what do you do when you feel too disgusted to lay under your loving, bovine-like husband as he sweats and snorts like a cute pig to relieve his manly needs? Well, ladies, I tell you what I do — I buy myself a new car or renovate one of the rooms in my mansions, but for you, being poor, you should buy something affordable that will be an investment for a lifetime. That’s right, get yourself a gold-plated Vote Freedom Necklace for just $175.00
Just imagine how good you will feel wearing this one-of-a-kind, limited edition necklace celebrating Lady Liberty.
She was a Christian, you know.
You can have this uniquely designed medallion engraved with names, initials, and symbols, like MAGA, or your husbands name so you don’t forget to please him the next time he needs you to take care of his urges.
Best of all! Made in America!
When your Christian man sees you wearing this Lady Liberty necklace, he will know you support him and you will keep that man happy! Thank you, and I will be selling after services today. Get them while you can! God bless.
Thank you, First Lady. Well, Christian women, you heard the lady tell you how to keep your men happy. And men, remember that marriage is a partnership, so I suggest you purchase one of these nifty USA medallions, like I am wearing to show your wife how much you love her and how you will keep taking care of her.
That’s all for today. May God bless you all.