It Takes a Billionaire - Like Nole Skum

Nole Skum Brings His Wisdom to the Church of the Redeemed Whore

Good morning, Christians! Yes, it is beautiful sunny day here in the land of Heathens. That’s right I am coming to you live from California where I am meeting with one of the greatest intellectual Christians, and there has been a lot of them, to ever walk the earth. This Christian genius is here to discuss what it takes to be successful.

As many of you know, the evil liberals believe success is based on handouts and taking hard-earned money from Christians. Yet, they can’t explain the phenomena of our speaker today, who has invented electric cars, shot rockets into space, planned a hyper-loop thingamajig to quickly transport people, and protected free speech for us Christians by buying the liberal infested social media company Twitter.

If you hadn’t guessed his name already, I give you Nole Skum!

Hello, Christians! It’s me, Nole Skum — entrepreneur, inventor, warrior for free speech, and soon to be Ambassador to the Universe. I have taken time from my busy schedule of firing people and meeting the future President Donald Trump to impart some of my vast wisdom concerning success and to warn you against voting for the liberals. You might be thinking, “What can this guy tell me about success and Christianity?”

Well, everything! Because I am a billionaire, and that makes me smarter than all of you.

Let’s start with the fact that the billionaire is a powerful force of change, capable of thinking outside the box. For instance, when California wanted to build a high-speed railway, I said, “What the heck! We can do better!” So I invented the Hyperloop project, right out of my head! I wrote it down on paper and told everyone it would be cheaper than building a railway that is slower. The naysayers came out in droves, claiming it wouldn’t work!

But I kept at it and because I am a billionaire, lots of really smart people listened to me and put their time and money into developing this technology. Here it is almost ten years later and it might still happen for a lot more cost.

Yes, that’s right, Christians — it takes a billionaire to change the world!

Changing the world for the better is what I do! When NASA put contracts out to build a new lunar lander, who do you think won the money? Well, me of course. I won, not because I am a bullshitter, but because they recognized my billionaire genius, despite my fellow billionaire, Jeff Bezos, offering to fund $2 billion dollars of the project himself. You know why they turned him down? Because this billionaire has a proven track record of sending ships into space.

My incredible genius is not limited to firing rockets into orbit. No this billionaire is also the advocate and warrior for free speech. I told people I would set Twitter free, and that is exactly what I accomplished. I bought the company and reinstated every person who was ever banned for speaking their minds, like Donald Trump, Jordan Peterson, and many other people accused of hate speech. Everyone knows that free speech is the cornerstone of democracy, providing critical thinking and open criticism. Well, without misogynistic, patriarchal, violent talk, and unhindered use of the n-word, there can be no critical thought.

At great expense to my investors, 71% less valuable than when I purchased the company, I give you Christians the liberty of 280 characters to express yourselves!

This is the danger of the liberal left extremists! They want you to believe that hearing different opinions will make you a bad person. They want you to believe racist people have nothing of value to say. They want you to believe misinformation is the same as disinformation — when it is all just information. Christians know better, and all it took was a billionaire to make X a digital free-speech sanctuary.

You should learn today from my priceless wisdom that if you want to succeed, you just have to work really hard so you don’t get fired by billionaires like me.

You have to vote Republican and listen to President Trump and men like Pastor Christian T. Roll but most of all to me because I have the genius plan to fix the world because I am a billionaire. Thanks.

There you have it folks. The Word of Jesus, straight out of the billionaire’s mouth to your ears. Join us next week as we bring the world a little closer to Heaven, here at the Church of the Redeemed Whore.