The Real Housewives of Christianity
Learn how these fine Christian women change the world serving God and their men while making babies!
The Church of the Redeemed Whore welcomes you to learn about the real housewives of Christianity. Filthy feminists, homosexuals, and liberal atheists love to talk about the narrow-mindedness of Christians and how Christian women are “oppressed” victims of their religion, but I say, “Phooey!” Christian women are on the front lines changing the world when they’re not home making babies and pleasing their men as God intended. Let’s meet some of these Christian movers and shakers and learn what it means to be a Christian housewife.
Wife, Mother of Three, & Entrepreneur
“When I was born-again, I had no idea what Jesus planned for me. One Sunday after church, my husband and I took our children to a fast food place, and when we ordered, we noticed the ungodly rudeness of all the foreign and “unchristian” workers who made all the Christian patrons sad with bad service. Jesus whispered in the back of my head, ‘Katie, I need you to end workplace conflict and bring peace to the world by fixing the diversity problem.’”
“Suddenly, my mission became clear. If I put scripture back in the workplace, there would be no conflict since everyone follows God’s Will, leaving nothing to argue. I accomplish this mission by teaching companies to embed scripture right in their policies because it’s not enough to hear the Word; you need to operationalize it!”
“There should be no Gays, Muslims, Jews, or Buddhists — just Christians from nine to five!”
Wife, Mother of Two, & Intrepid Reporter
“I was a leggings model and distributor for a Christian MLM, and while driving from one party to the next toting my inventory and kids, God called me to my true career. As I listened to a Fox News podcast, I heard Jesus say, ‘Amy, selling these Godly leggings is not what I want you to do. You will bring the truth to the world as a journalist.’
“I gripped the steering wheel and prayed, ‘Lord, I’m just a churchgoing, Christian mother with no experience as a journalist. How will I ever accomplish such a mission?’
“The only answer I heard was the screaming kids and the Fox podcast above the car’s engine, but when the Lord says to do something, you do it! I went right home and called a babysitter, then drove fifty miles to the local Fox affiliate. I walked into that TV station and went straight into the manager’s office and said, ‘Mister, God told me to be a reporter, so here I am!’
“That man stood, walked around his desk, and looked me up and down, then said, ‘You’re perfect.’
“That day, I became a Fox News anchorwoman because God saw fit to reward me for my hard work, steadfast faith, and dedication to the truth.”
“It was a true miracle!”
Wife, Mother of Twelve, & Best-selling Author
“I was just drowning in housework and childcare as me and hubby struggled financially. We could barely feed our twelve children, but Jesus gave me a solution. One night, hubby came home from the rally and started screaming about the dirty diapers overflowing the trash in the filthy bathroom, which I tried to explain, ‘Husband, I’m tired from child-caring.’
“Hubby kicked the television, cracking the screen causing sparks to shoot out, which scared the babies to crying. He punched the walls and slammed the door of the bedroom, cursing and screaming. ‘Get me a beer, woman!’
“I clasped my hands and looked up, crying, ‘Jesus, where have I gone wrong? I’m sorry I’m such a bad wife.’
“At that moment, a peace swept over and blanketed me with Jesus’ forgiveness. All my scripture reading and listening to my pastor’s sermons about modesty and managing the home came rushing back, making me realize I had not tried hard enough. The Holy Spirit filled me with inspiration, and I knew then my calling to bring the Word of modesty and wifely duty to women everywhere. I doubled down on my efforts to care for the children and clean the house while I began writing my Christian Guides to keep other women from making my mistakes. It took some time, but I soon became a best-selling author of many different Christian-living guides.”
How to Hide Your Monthly Shame
Never say the four letter words, “P***s” or “V****a!”
How to Keep the Kids from Blocking Hubby’s View of the Television
What to wear to the rally? Trump or Klan.
Hubby’s Ideas are Your Ideas Because the Bible Says So
How to NOT Make Hubby Smack You
How to Politely Ask the Pastor to Stop Molesting You or Your Children
And many more!
“Now I feel good, knowing Jesus allowed me to keep other women from failing their hubbies.”
Amazing! God works in mysterious ways for sure, and these Christian housewives prove it. Next time you hear some homosexual, feminist, atheist liberal whining about Christian women, just keep in mind that Jesus provides for the true believers.
Join me next time when we learn about Christian Safe Zones.
Original Photos by DISRUPTIVO, Dane Deaner, Jade Destiny, Mathilde Langevin and Ben White on Unsplash