Tia Ling Me!

The Epic Short Story Volume 4.

Prologue

EarthTube’s policy changes created a porn shortage because the knuckleheads at EarthTube allowed only R-rated movies. iTunes Blessed didn’t carry adult movies — fucking Steve Jobs! Soon the demand for porn grew a black-market trade with those lucky enough to have downloaded a lot of porn before EarthTube’s policy changes controlling all porn. Sadly, I was not one of these folks, but that fucking fat ass Garcia had a lot of porn and wouldn’t share with anyone. The porn shortage forced me to borrow from Stephen Hawking, but his porn was some weird stuff, and borrowing from him led me to serve as God’s whore again. 

Chapter 1. Rainbow Pimp

I entered Stephen’s basement laboratory. “Stephen! Don’t you have any better porn than what you’re lending me? I am tired of watching people have sex with your lectures playing in the background or people trying to fit telescopes in their asses. I’m looking for something normal like Tia Ling doing extreme gangbangs.”

“Shh, I’m thinking.” Stephen stood in front of a large blackboard with a cloud drawn at the top marked “Heaven.” Branching from the cloud, pipes lead to what appeared to be different planets marked “Mormon World,” “Shit World,” and “Earth.”

“What are you doing?”

He scowled in annoyance. “I am trying to figure out how Heaven connects with the planets. If you went to Shit World by going down God’s toilet, there are likely other worlds and connections to Heaven. If we can figure out where worlds connect, we might figure out how to visit them.”

I shook my head. “You don’t want to go to Shit World. No way.”

He turned to me. “Think about this for a second. If we can figure out how to travel between worlds, we can get things we want like porn.”

I jumped up and down. “Yes! Yes! You are a fucking genius. If we can get new porn, then we can control the market. We can stick it to that fucker Garcia.”

We stared at the board inquisitively for several minutes before I turned to Stephen. “Come on now; this can’t be that hard for you. Weren’t you a rock star physicist? This should be easy for you.”

Stephen frowned. “Yeah, but I was wrong about everything. I didn’t think there was a God or Heaven. Now, instead of theorizing the properties of an expanding universe, I try to learn how Heaven's shit pipes connect with the cosmos. Maybe we should get Carl Sagan to help? I think he believed in God or something along those lines.”

I shook my head. “Aww, man, not Carl Sagan. That guy is such a dick. He has his head up Jesus’ ass, and you know that ass weasel will tell Jesus what we're doing. I can hear Jesus now, ‘You know I have to tell the Heavenly Father about these shenanigans.’”

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s take a break and go to the gloryhole. It’s going to take forever to figure this out.”

I grabbed Stephen’s arm. “Wait a minute. God has a Mercedes. I found his keys when he sentenced me to Earth to do his will. Damn. Why didn’t I think of that before?”

Stephen nodded, smiling. “That is great news. There must be some way to get the car out of Heaven. Where is it parked?”

“I don’t know, but it has to be here somewhere. Let’s EarthTube it.”

Stephen shook his head. “That’s not going to work. You know we can’t EarthTube anything that is personal information.”

“Dammit.”

Stephen held up his hand. “Wait a minute. You can’t EarthTube personal things, but you can EarthTube roads and garage doors. Since no one up here owns a car but God, then we should be able to find his car.”

“You’re a genius, Stephen.”

Sure enough, God’s garage attached to the rear of the palace peered from the laptop screen, motivating our departure to investigate. We arrived to find a massive door towering above us, but we entered by slipping through the gap between the door and the ground. Standing by the wheel of God’s Mercedes, I said, “We’re too small to drive God’s car.”

Stephen looked around, “No sweat. We’ll take Jesus’ car.”

I frowned. “How do you know he has a car?”

Stephen tilted his head in a scowl. “Come on. You know Jesus has a car. The son of God without a car? The boss’s son always has a car.”

Stephen proved correct again, with a normal size car discovered on the other side of the Benz. We began hysterically laughing at the tricked-out, pink Jaguar XF with yellow flower spinner rims and rainbows flowing along the sides of the car to the rear, bearing the license plate “Rainbow Pimp.”

I laughed as we opened the doors, “This car is too gay to lead a Pride Parade.”

Inside, our laughter continued as Stephen held the pink fur-covered steering wheel and dash, and I swatted the yellow tassels hung from the top of the windows.

Stephen nudged me. “I bet this car has seen more cock than a twink at a highway rest stop.”

“I know! What a hypocrite. I can’t believe he lectures me about the evils of the gloryhole and how I’m a perverted sinner, all while he rolls in the Rainbow Pimp. That cock-smoker has some nerve.”

“I know. What a jerk. So, let’s figure this thing out.” Stephen began poking around the dashboard. “It looks like a regular car, but there has to be some mechanism to make it travel to Earth, or we'll just be driving around Heaven.” A few minutes of looking around the dash led to Stephen locating the GPS. “Got it.”

He began typing on the GPS’s keypad. “Okay, so you just type in where you want to go and — oh wow, look, you can enter the year also. Holy shit. You can choose different worlds. Check out where Jesus has been going.”

The screen showed “Rainbow Ass Punks World.”

I laughed, “Okay, so let’s program this thing for earth and go get some porn.”

Stephen sat behind the wheel silently brooding, and after a moment, he pointed to the GPS. “I think we’re thinking about this all wrong. We can go anywhere we want, any time we want.”

“So?” I frowned.

“So, if God is an infinite being, and he created the entire universe out of his infinite thought, a multiverse if you will, then any universe or world we desire to visit is available to us. Furthermore, since the car travels through time, we can go anywhere we want and then just come back a split second after leaving. Jesus won’t know we took the car. Theoretically, we have all the time in the universe.”

I smiled. “You are truly fucking brilliant.”

Chapter 2. Porn World

“Stephen, there must be a porn world. Someplace where porn weaves the very fabric of existence. A place where culture entrenches in the porn way of thinking. A pornatopia, if you will.”

Stephen began typing on the GPS. “Well, let’s look them up.” Stephen leaned back. “Goddamn, there are a lot of worlds. There must be millions of porn worlds in the GPS.”

“Just pick one. You can’t go wrong with porn.”

Stephen squinted at the GPS. “I don’t know; there are some scary worlds listed. I don't think we want to go to Ass Raped by What Feels Like a Bison World or Death by 1000 Blowjobs World.”

I leaned over and looked at the GPS. “Well, the last one didn’t sound too bad. So, these world’s get specific, correct?”

“Yeah, infinitely. Anything you can think of is in this GPS.”

I grinned. “Stephen, I have a plan. Let me see that.”

He handed me the GPS, I typed, then handed the device back. “There.”

Stephen looked at the screen and closed one eye. “Are you sure?”

I yelled, “Yes, I am sure. Let’s go, goddammit.”

Stephen answered reluctantly, “Okay. We’re off to Tia Ling World, Where Stephen Hawking and Vicente are Pleasured By Hundreds of Duplicate Tia Lings While Jesus and Jerry Garcia are Forced to Watch Unable to Participate or Touch Themselves.”

Stephen gripped and regripped the pink, furry wheel. “Okay, I think we’re ready. Man, it’s been a long time since I drove.”

I looked over at him. “When I was born, there wasn’t electricity. This is all you, man.”

Stephen pressed the garage door opener, lifting the giant door, and a brilliant light appeared before the car. Stephen hit the gas, launching the vehicle into a tunnel of light, which began accelerating the car into incredible speed that made us scream in terror until the car blasted from the light and bounced on a road. “We made it, Stephen!”

His silence provoked my head’s turn, and horror struck seeing him crippled in his old body. “Holy shit!” I grabbed at the wheel as the vehicle veered off the road and scraped and screeched along the guardrail until the rail's end released the car to swerve into the grass and slam a tree. Still running, the car’s engine raced uselessly under a crumpled hood.

I began unbuckling Stephen. “Jesus Christ. That was close. Don’t worry, Stephen; I’ll get you out of this jam. I know what to do. I just need to program this thing to take us to almost the same world, but one where you’re not crippled. I think your smarts are starting to rub off on me. Let me just move you into the passenger seat.”

A voice from outside the car said, “You boys need some assistance?”

Dressed like a pornographic cop with breasts bulging defiantly from a half-unbuttoned shirt, she leaned into the vehicle as I stammered, “Tia Ling me!”

Tia took off her sunglasses. “I smell gas, boys; I better get you out of the car and take care of you.”

Tia lifted her radio. “I have a sixty-nine, sixty-nine on highway sixty-nine. I’m going to need some assistance with some men.”

I helped Tia carry Stephen to the roadside as dozens of Tia cops arrived and began talking amongst themselves. Sitting on the grass with Stephen cripple-balled beside me, I marveled over the hot Asian perfection, wearing tight blue police shirts and skirts. Just when I thought nothing could make the situation better, a van arrived, and more Tias exited and began setting a ramp on the van's rear doors. Wheeling Jesus and Jerry Garcia from the van chained and bound in wheelchairs, the Tias positioned them with maximum vantage to our position on the grass. The leader Tia stood over us and placed her hands on her hips. “Looks like you boys have been bad. We caught you driving recklessly without licenses.”

“Yes, very bad!” I exclaimed.

She stepped forward and tore off her shirt, exposing perfect breasts, and the other cops did the same before removing their skirts. The leader pointed at her perfectly trimmed crotch. “If you want a get-out-of-jail-free card, you need to understand this pussy will not eat itself.”

A thunderous explosion turned us toward Jesus’s car that released a fireball into the sky, igniting the tree. Before I could say anything, time froze, the sky sheared, revealing Heaven, and God’s voice boomed from on high, “Your task is complete.”

Stephen and I floated upwards as I yelled, “What the fuck. We didn’t know we were on a mission. God, what mission?”

God laughed, “I hated that car. It was an eyesore. I don’t care if Jesus wants to go out and play ladyboy on the weekends, but it’s an atrocity to treat a Jag that way. You rainbow pimp a minivan or a smart car but never a Jag.”

God thundered with laughter, Stephen drooled on himself, and I wept, watching Tia Ling World disappear as we ascended to Heaven.

Epilogue

God’s great wisdom teaches that even if your father is okay with your flavor of bungholery, you still might not want to hold a parade in his garage, but more importantly, if you plan to steal a car, be sure you know how to drive and never depend on someone crippled.

The End.